Myoung Mind

 ...like not of anything specific, just literally tired. I don't know if it was because of the holiday or what but I am just exhausted tired. Like I could just sleep all day long kind of tired. Christmas was kind of hard for me this year which I didn't really expect, and maybe I'm having a bit of residual depression or something. I honestly knew I was sad that I wouldn't be seeing my family for the holiday, but when the day came I found myself really having a hard time believing that it was Christmas and could not get in the mood. It didn't help that we had loads of kids here as well so we didn't get that wake up early and open presents situation either. So we just sat around all day and waited for dinner to be done without doing really any holiday traditions. It was odd. The kids opened a few gifts downstairs away from all the kids with us, then we opened some more late at night around 930 when everyone had left (mind you I was half awake and Dre was asleep lol...

Yeah, its lingering. It's not just a one night situation. Why does this have to happen now. Right before the holiday. I mean last night was tough, but to wake up to pretty much a groundhog day of it was worse. I mean I am keeping it together. I even did my hair AND makeup just to try and make myself feel a little better. The depression has set it. Fire away is on repeat. And like usual he doesn't see it. Or he doesn't care. Or both. He is always been a creature of doesn't care. Don't care how I make you feel. Don't care if your mad. Don't care if your going through something. I just try to be bold faced. No crying. No sadness. No weakness. It makes it worse I'm sure and no he isn't a monster. I know deep down he does probably care. I hope. But who knows I'm not him. I just know how I operate. Don't show any emotion. Any weak emotion at least. I don't really know what else to say. I'm upset. I'm empty. I'm sad. I'm angry. I...

 I always dread these kinda days. Or should I say these kind of feelings. They lead me down a dark messy road in this mind. I'm not even sure what actually triggers them. I know what I think does, but I'm sure if I was seeing a therapist they would have a different insight into the matter. I mean today was just mainly a lonely day. I woke up at 5:30am to find Dre already gone. I have slept next to this man for 18 years, so naturally when he is absent, something tells me to wake up.  I did manage to grab a few more hours of sleep which I desperately needed after a rough night of NO sleep before I finally got up around 9 and got my day started. It actually worked out somewhat since the kids both have their cousins here to entertain them so I headed out and ran to the bank, Marshalls, Five Below, Ridgedale and Northtown. I stopped to get gas and ran to Target to get some wrapping paper and finally headed home around 3:30. What a long day. I'd be lying if I said that my hips di...

 I made it Friday, but let me tell you it was no easy feat lol. We went live this week at work, which consisted of consolidating all of the Primary Care scheduling lines as well as some of the specialties into one. So now instead of scheduling for just Brooklyn Park and Bass Lake clinics, I am now getting calls for ALL of the Fairview primary care clinics and it is stressful. So many different locations and so many different providers to remember and it is nonstop. I mean literally. The lowest I have seen the call que is probably around 60. And event that may be a little gracious. But we will make it. I figure it will get easier and come more second nature as time goes on. I have to be somewhat positive about the situation because this is my job and I do want to excel at it. I have learned that I know more than I thought and it helps that we are all in the same boat as far as learning. It's just mentally exhausting. I will say though I am enjoying working from home. I go to work in...

Now I don't wanna come off like a total cliche, but I'm not starting this "blog" to be read by millions and inspire. I'm mostly starting this to just be a brain dump. A journal or sorts. Or if you want to be really corny, a diary. Sometimes I just get this overwhelming feeling that I need to get things out and due to turning into a complete introvert after 30, I am seriously lacking impartial people to talk to about things as they are all family at this point. So here we are. Since a preteen, I have loved writing. I have loved reading since even before then which I'm thinking lead to my love of writing. I also have a love for typing as weird as that is. There is something satisfying about typing at a satisfactory speed with no mistakes. Weird, again. Nevertheless, this is what this is. And if you have somehow found yourself here, to which I would be completely surprised, welcome to this mind. My mind. It complicated. It can be dark and twisty (yes I am a HUGE ...