And this is where things get tricky...

 I always dread these kinda days. Or should I say these kind of feelings. They lead me down a dark messy road in this mind. I'm not even sure what actually triggers them. I know what I think does, but I'm sure if I was seeing a therapist they would have a different insight into the matter. I mean today was just mainly a lonely day. I woke up at 5:30am to find Dre already gone. I have slept next to this man for 18 years, so naturally when he is absent, something tells me to wake up.  I did manage to grab a few more hours of sleep which I desperately needed after a rough night of NO sleep before I finally got up around 9 and got my day started. It actually worked out somewhat since the kids both have their cousins here to entertain them so I headed out and ran to the bank, Marshalls, Five Below, Ridgedale and Northtown. I stopped to get gas and ran to Target to get some wrapping paper and finally headed home around 3:30. What a long day. I'd be lying if I said that my hips didn't feel all of that walking lol. I'm so outta shape. Dre made it home around 4:15 to grab something to eat. He had been to the casino, gift drive with his mom, and hanging with his brother all day. I think I got about 30 mins with him, and that may be being generous, before he left again to go back over to his brothers to hang out and watch the fight. I wrapped the gifts I bought today and ran to Target to get some essentials that I have been needing. Came home watched a movie, took a shower, ate a salad, and watched another movie and now here I am. And that's what today was. A busy day full of productivity, but so lonely. I don't have friends. I don't have a sister or a cousin that I am close with. It's just Dre and the kids. And that's all that matters to me in the long run. But it is a lonely life. And when I think about things, I start to think I mean who really is missing me outside of them and my parents of course. No one. I don't make a difference in anyone's life other than theirs. And I know it is selfish of me to want Dre to be with me when I'm lonely because I don't have anyone else and he has other people that care about him and want to see him and I don't. It's just lonely. And it makes me sad. Where and when did this happen. I mean I know a lot of the "friends" that I used to have I left behind because my kids were getting older and I didn't want to be associated with a certain lifestyle anymore, but when I see the photos of them all still together I sometimes wonder where I fit in. I mean who my age is meeting new lifelong friends. Not to mention I have turned into such an introvert that I doubt I would meet anyone new anyways. Plus I am just not good at getting to know people and letting people know me. And yes it is unfair for me to put all of this on my husband. He can and should have a life. I just wish I had one too. I wish I had someone to call and talk to on the phone. Or someone to call me to just check on me cause maybe they haven't talked or heard from me in a few days. But I don't have anyone like that. I know I sound pathetic and having a pity party, but this is the mood. The mood that gets tricky. The mood that sometimes is gone in the morning, and sometimes it lingers on for days or weeks. It's the tricky mood that sometimes makes me feed it so that it doesn't go away because it makes me feel like I deserve to feel this way. Because I am not a good person. I am not a good person. I am 37 years old and I don't even know who I am. I was supposed to be something better than I am. I was supposed to be better for Andre. In this mood, he got cheated. He should have had someone better. Someone that has friends and a life outside of him and this house. Someone who wants to go out and do things. Someone that can fill that void for him. Someone he can have fun with. This mood tells me that I fooled him into thinking that he won some kind of prize when he married me. And he didn't. Because I am not a good person. I was supposed to be a winner. Successful. Always telling me I'm too smart. Yet here I am too dumb to have made better choices in life. Here I am making a tinge more than 17 dollars an hour. Here I am wondering how the hell I would have ever made it or how my kids would have ever had a decent life without Dre because there's no way I would have been able to do it. This mood tells me I am just a disappointment. And maybe everyone would have been better had they taken a different path. I'm just someone who if I was gone tomorrow, no one would really notice outside of this house. No one would think twice. They would hear about it and feel bad for Dre and the kids, but in the next 10 mins they would be on to the next thing and I would be forgotten. I'm not suicidal or anything like that, I just know that is how it is. I am not memorable. Is that this mood that tells me that or reality. I don't know. I lean toward the latter. Good night.